Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
A thread.
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when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
Me: We do *not* spit on our classmates!
5YO: Well, who DO we spit on, then?
I miss the funny stuff my kids said when they were little.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters