Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
You Might Also Like
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
The way I ordered pistachio cannolis sounded like a drug deal.
Go downtown, not too far, turn left at the coffee spot, look for a little red sign, it’s not big, maybe a foot, go in and ask for Angelo, tell him Amanda sent you.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Priest: Do you take this woman do be your lawful wedded wife?
Yoda: Do I
Priest: That’s what I’m asking
Yoda: *long sigh*
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Lol.
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
Who knew!
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party