Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
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I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
My autobiography will be subtitled, “Guaranteed 100% Typo-Fre”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘golfed’
“May I have it in a sentence please?”
Sure. He golfed with a tee.
“G-O-L-F-T”
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
Treadmill salesman: This one has 12 incline levels and can maintain speeds of up to 15 miles per hour.
Me: (dumps two loads of laundry on top) I’ll take it.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
i hate you platonically
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
*Hulk smashes thru courtroom wall*
SOMEONE ASK FOR INCREDIBLE WITNESS?!
Judge- no, CREDIBLE!
Hulk- shit HULK VERRY SORRY BOUT YOUR WALL
Gonna get my eye looked at today.. usually it’s the other way around
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
When you write lyrics as bad as “I got soul but I’m not a soldier” it’s important to repeat it exactly 10 times in a row so nobody misses it
So let me get this straight: Trump supporters are butt hurt because someone overgeneralized them and called them a mean name? Oh, the irony.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…