Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
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I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
[first date]
Him: I live with my mom.
Me: Living or dead?
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
Spells out “Can you clean the toilet” in candy hearts on the bed.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
I’d hang this in my house.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
Seize the day! Kidnap the evening! Murder the night! Assault the afternoon!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
wut hotdog?
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
“Trump is a good businessman” He has a failed steak biz, a failed vodka biz & failed casinos. HOW DO YOU SCREW UP STEAK, VODKA & GAMBLING