One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
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“How many fingers do I have up?”
– a gynecologist who thinks he’s really funny
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
[pronounces “pineapples” like “minneapolis”]
lightly toasted and extra crispy 🍞
we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.
Have been woken up with the hangover from hell by the sound of my neighbour’s lawn mower. He’ll just have to mow around me, I’m not moving.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Breaking news:
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.