All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
You Might Also Like
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
Rather alarming headline…
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
date: I like men who aren’t afraid to take risks
me: [to waiter] horse please
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
My 7-year-old and I had many interesting conversations this morning. Why is the sun so hot? How do space rockets work? Why it’s too early to ask this many questions.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
“How did your
*looks down at notes scribbled on hand*
favorite sports team do in their
*looks down again*
sporting contest today?”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*