It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
You Might Also Like
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Ferrari squats
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
Me: It’s time to take a bath.
6: Ugh, I took one a few days ago!
Me: Yeah, you gotta keep taking those.
6: For my whole life?
Me: Yes
6: What!? Uggggghhhhh
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
interviewer: why’d u quit ur last job
me: the company moved
interviewer: where to
me: they didn’t tell me
Sorry I haven’t tweeted much. Kathy on facebook was keeping us updated on her menstrual cramps.
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
#parenting