Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
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I read my daughter a book about a Frogapotamus last night and dreamt of riding one. Tonight I’m reading her Hugh Jackman’s autobiography.
Missing someone and wanna meet them? Just wear the worst clothes you own and go to the supermarket. They’ll run into you.
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
Only 4 beers left in house. Time to find new house.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
a broth-er is the best relative to help you make soup
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
I won’t believe we’ve evolved as humans until no one ever bites the inside of their cheeks again.
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …
Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!
Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.