My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
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What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
[creating man]
GOD: They need air to live
ANGEL: Done
G: And food
A: Ok
G: Use the same hole for air and food so they die sometimes
A: wtf?
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Bruce Willis is never content with how hard he dies.
Cheetos are like baby carrots that you can eat.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
MAYOR: I now present you a key to the city
ME: So long, suckers!
*hops in city and drives away*
MAYOR: Come back! I need that for work!
A macaron is just an oreo that studied abroad.
Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
Him: So are you into horseback riding or mountain biking? Me: I usually like to drive myself but sometimes I take uber.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.