Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
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[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
Hey guys, I know what we can do! Let’s summon Satan!
-My kids and their cousins at 6am when I’m trying to sleep in.
He had the strength of ten men and the confidence of twelve morons.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[first date]
“What’s wrong?”
I don’t like the ambulance in this place
[sniggering] “You mean ambience”
[next table] NEE NAW NEE NAW WOOOOOO
me: I saw you kissing santa claus last night
mom: that was actually your father
me: *tearing up* omg does dad know
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Me: Got any more of those debbled eggs?
Friend: Did you just say DEBBLED eggs?
Me: No, I said the right thing…
*spits out mouthful of peacock feathers* I’m sorry, I thought these were for just anyone to eat. *gets escorted from zoo*
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out