Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
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*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
cop: we have reports of you impersonating a police officer
me: were they favorable
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
*at museum*
Date: this place is so cool, what’s your favourite exhibit here?
Me: I like the room with all the fluffy things
Date: the what? Wait do you mean the coat room? Dude they have spaceships and all sorts here
Me: *staring into muddle distance* so much fluffy
Cat 911: What’s your emergency
Cat: I can see the bottom of my food dish
Cat 911: Oh, well just wait patiently and the humans will fill it
Cat:
Cat 911:
Cat: Haha hahaha
Cat 911: hahahha
Cat 911: Seriously though, knock something off the counter
Sorry I put aviator sunglasses on the baby Jesus in your nativity scene and started singing highway to the manger zone.
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
Bank ads make me want to hide my money under my mattress.
They also make me want to acquire some money for hiding, but that’s a side issue.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
You know you’re tired when you kneel on the ground pick something up and then have to decide if it’s easier to get up or just live there now
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Mmm that smells good. Is it mint?
Are you going to eat it? Please eat it.
No…..don’t throw it away! NO!!
[My dog watching me floss]
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down