Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
You Might Also Like
6yo: *non stop talking*
Me: *tells 6yo to go read*
6yo: *comes out of room every 2 min to tell me about the book*
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
Welcome to your 40’s. You appreciate handrails now.
Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.
CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
Me: *steps up to the plate, spits, adjusts cup, taps helmet*
Waiter: is there a problem
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
For anyone who needs this today
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
my fav colour is also hitler
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.