Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
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Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Bury me next to a kangaroo skeleton and put boxing gloves on me.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
STOP WHINING KIDS! If mommy wants to listen to a bunch of people whining for no reason, she’ll log into twitter.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
The doctor holds the stethoscope against my chest and frowns. Perhaps I should not have eaten all those bees.
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie