Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
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Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
#Caturday
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Recorded myself talking in my sleep and I rhyme a lot. Somehow I’ve developed sleep rapnea.
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
-first day at NASA-
colleagues: 5, 4, 3, 2, 1
me: do you guys do this in every elevator
her: what’s this writing on your hand
me: I was cheating on an exam
her: it just says “hand”
me: yeah it was an anatomy exam
Can’t believe Sting isn’t the lead singer of the Scorpions
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
Me:FitBitâ„¢
Dogs:SitBitâ„¢
Babies:ShitBitâ„¢
Mosquitos:GitBitâ„¢
Scabies:NitBitâ„¢
Writers:WitBitâ„¢
Ballplayers:HitBitâ„¢
Stoners:LitBitâ„¢
Teens:ZitBitâ„¢
A cabbage a day keeps people away.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.