It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
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If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
Russel Crowe is my favorite actor named after a misspelled bird but Ethan Hawke is a close second
My one year-old is going through a horrible tantrum phase, muttering gibberish and then screaming when things don’t go his way.
Basically, his spirit animal is Yosemite Sam.
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
this has done me in for some reason