Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
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I’m more of a homeless romantic.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
me: well it’s technically the bride of frankenstein’s monster
hostage negotiator: we should get back on topic
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
Hostage: *screaming*
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: *still trying to find the end of the tape on the roll*
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.