Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
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Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
You know that kid on the field who’s too busy spinning in circles to notice the ball coming at him? He’s mine, and he’s not even on a team.
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
why does saying their name 3x work for Bloody Mary and not for Brad Pitt?
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
You block or unfollow me because I follow or retweet someone you don’t like.
Kindergarten called & said you left your maturity level there.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from