What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
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Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
Finally!
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
And then there were 4
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
I like how Alexander Graham Bell invented phones, crackers, and ringers.
Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.