*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
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I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
WIFE: why is the dog wearing a tux?
ME: u said to groom him
WIFE: i meant brush
ME: oh…sorry buddy, wedding’s off
DOG: this is bullshit
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
ME: I’m so hungry I could greet a horse
FRIEND: “Eat” a horse
ME: No watch this. Hello Mr horse
HORSE: [gives me a taco]
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
My newsfeed fills with “recommended tweets” based on my likes and retweets.
Me: YOU DON’T KNOW ME
Also me: oh look a puppy! *retweet
DAMMIT!
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I guess I’m getting old. Now when I hear “Pour Some Sugar On Me” I think of 2 things. Who’s cleaning it up and I hope we don’t get ants.
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen