Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
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The romaine empire has fallen. Cesar is dead. Lettuce pray.
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Why am I like this?
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
if someone sees a pic of you and says “wow you’re photogenic” what they’re really trying to say is that you look uglier irl
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
My love language is hissing.
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
[bedroom]
Me: I’ve been bad, I need to be punished
Her: *turns tv volume to an odd number*
Me: no please I forgot the safe word
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
Ian: “I’d like to report my guide dog missing.”
Cop: “Right. When did you last see him?”
Ian: “I’ve never seen him.”
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
My husband got *me* a fitness game for the Nintendo for Christmas.
I was like “what are you trying to say?”
Now the kids are at level 130 and wearing themselves out daily while out of my hair.
Turns out he’s a great gift giver.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer