If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
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After how many years should you clean your microwave?
I’ve got a “bun” (baby) in the “oven” (oven)
[first day as a weatherman]
ANCHOR: sounds like cold weather may be on the way, Brandon, whats this i hear about three inches?
ME: *nervously adjusting tie* i’ve been told it’s an adequate amount Jim
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[First Date]
“Okay don’t let her know you’re a tool shed”
Waiter: Anything to drink?
Date: a screwdriver please
*My head slowly opens*
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
I love twitter
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
1) In the interest of time, would ye noble patriots please provide a list of infractions punishable by spontaneous public execution? Thanks!
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
My 4yr old is playing mommy and I just heard her say, “Put your shoes on, dammit!” So now at least I know she hears me when I ask.
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you