People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
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My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
Having sex while really full is like running with a backpack on.
I told my kids I’m not coming out of the bathroom until they stop fighting, I’m really looking forward to a long nap and some me time
*Arrives at airport checkin*
Me: I’ve never been to the rainforest. I’m really excited!
-Ticket please
Me: [Hands her Amazon Gift Card]
Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I’m having lunch with my mom today. I can’t wait to hear how tired and unmarried I look.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Roses are red
Daisies are white
I’m in a grumpy mood
My underwear is too tight
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Stop saying “There’s plenty of fish in the sea.” I’m sick of fish seducing all our human women!
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Depression ads overestimate my need to hike.
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
moms in horror movies
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…