windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
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Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Damn girl, are you a desk? Cause I’m not exactly sure how to pick you up
I WON A HAM TODAY
airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
[In Bed]
Her: You feeling spicy tonight?
Me: Imma be honest. At best I’m a Honey BBQ on the Buffalo Wild Wings chart.
I recently took a pole
And found that 100% of the people in the tent were angry when it collapsed
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
[SPELLING BEE]
“Your word is HOTELIER”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“I bet my hotel is hotelier than yours”
Welcome to my home! No you’re mistaken, it isn’t a mess, it’s just gallery-style so you can see everything we own at once. Watch your step.
Proper labeling of axes is absolutely crucial.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
4yo: Raise your hand if you are young
Me: *raises hand
4yo: No, daddy, not you.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
🤣🤣🤣🤣
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??