Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
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Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
We’ve all been there…
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
There’s a whole baby vegetable industry that makes me wonder if we might be monsters.
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
“But you can’t—“
“Shhh. Hush, my love. It pains me as much as it does you. We burned so hot and so bright, but in the end, we knew this day would come. Look at you and look at me. Our religions forbid this.”
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
Saw a dog mark every single mailbox in sight but his own. Thought of you.
Me: What’s your favorite color?
Him: That depends. What is the color of your eyes?
Me: Awww. You are so sweet. Green.
Him: I love blue.