Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
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Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
I dinated blood today. I have typo blood.
Lawyer: You’re looking at life without parole
Client: [Breaks down crying]
Lawyer: Hey it’s ok I’ve never had a parole either
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
*goes in bank with finger guns*
This is a robbery!
“no one’ll take you seriously-”
*switches to double barrel finger guns*
“do what he says”
*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”