“You want crumbs with that?”
-My bed, every night.
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I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
i still can’t believe that my senior class voted me “least likely to let things go”
ME: one ariana please
STARBUCKS: what size
ME: *winks at camera*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.