You: 2020 couldn’t get worse
Murder Hornet: Hold my venom
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When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Slowly crawl towards your sleeping dog, put your face directly next to its face, and whisper “I know it’s been you shitting in my yard.”
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
Him: I missed a flight once and that plane crashed
Me: *nodding* Yeah, I bought cashews once and didn’t notice they were unsalted until just before I paid
You can spend five minutes trying to fish the egg shell out of the pancake batter, or, and hear me out, you can leave it and tell your kids it’s good luck to get the pancake with the eggshell
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
What Swiss Army Knife attachment do I use to put those holes in cheese?