Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
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me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
This is my cat’s medicine.
Mission: Impossible
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Uber Eats: Imagine this $15 burger.
Me: Damn, that looks delicious.
Uber Eats: now, imagine it being $35…
Every marriage has one person who is good at putting laundry away and one person who puts my black tights in a kitchen drawer with the dish towels.
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Elephant: [rolls eyes]
Goldfish: did you remember to take out the garbage?
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators