I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
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If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
There goes my Valentine’s Day plans..
Me: I’m super nervous about this.
Bungee Jump Operator: Don’t overthink it. Just do it.
Me: ok
*I punch him in the face and run like hell*
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
As it may promote gay propaganda & non traditional sex, pictures from my workout this afternoon will not be published.
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Everyone in the gym on January 1st
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
Me: Is this birdcage made out of nickel?
Pet Store: Aluminum I think
Me: So there’s no nickel in this cage?
Pet Store: Don’t you dare!
Me: It’s a nickleless cage
Pet Store: GET OUT!
I just learned that in the US you have to pay money to cross a bridge in your car lol like you can’t convince me that America is real.
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
I PASSED THE BAR!
On the way to work and I didn’t go in! Yay me!