That’s classic.
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If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Where do storm troopers sit when they go to church?
In a pewpewpew
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team