Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
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Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year
i forgot the term for sell-by date and called it a spoiler alert
ZOMBIE: braaains
LION ZOMBIE: maaanes
KINKY ZOMBIE: caaanes
TARZAN ZOMBIE: jaaanes
PLUMBER ZOMBIE: draaains
DRIVING ZOMBIE: laaanes
TRAVELLING ZOMBIE: traaains
WALL STREET ZOMBIE: gaaains
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Found a USB that can be plugged both ways. Now I miss going wrong.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Fluff me with a fork baby
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
paddle faster i hear baby shark
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
*gets email*
-Do you want to chat with hot nineteen-year olds in your area?-
*responds*
“Can any of them help me with this iTunes update?”
I’m at a fancy restaurant so of course I ordered the Patricia melt.
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.