Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
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Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If you’d just let me explain, you’d be even angrier.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
Baby I’m gonna rock your world but first give me an hour and a half to get these skinny jeans off
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
The ladies call me Space Mountain…
…cause I’m a 5 hour wait and a 3 minute ride.
Wooooohhhhooooo!!!
Any room can be a bathroom if you hate the person who’s house you’re in.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
NYT: Yes Sauron Can Be Quite Aggressive But Consider Hobbits Who Go Around Throwing People’s Jewelry Into Lava Pits