i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
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SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
I freeze leftovers because I don’t want to throw away food now, I want to throw it away in 8 months.
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
If you love someone, let them sleep.
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
Emotions so raw, Gordon Ramsay makes a clever joke about them.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
#Caturday
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
me before I type out affect or effect
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Hear me out.
The first parent to school pick-up gets to pick the best kid. The well behaved one without the snotty nose.
The last parent to pick-up gets the feral child.
It’s a system I think would work.
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.