I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
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playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
#inspiration #foodforthought
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo