I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
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Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
*looking at a picture* Wow, you have beautiful children!
Thank you, they came with the frame.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
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.
.
.
.
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It’s Dublin.
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Sorry I can’t make it to lunch today. I forgot to shorten “people” to ppl in a text this morning and now I’m totally behind schedule.
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
I’m just a lawyer, standing in front of a Judge, trying to make him understand that stopping for coffee was a necessity and I should not be held in contempt for being late.
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering