“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
You Might Also Like
Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
After I mow my lawn, I give my neighbor about 72 hours to respond.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
me: *having prostate examination*
doc: omg, when was this last wiped?
me: WHAT
doc: *pointing to dust on table* i must speak to the cleaning lady