The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
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Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
My dog is LIVID with me because I’ve just let another dog walk by our house and done nothing about it
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
Anyone want a chair?
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”