Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
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I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
And to my kids I leave an endless supply of screenshotted recipes that I never made but also refused to delete. With these images I also bequeath a drawer full of condiments and sporks from all the takeout we had instead.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
I’m the hottest thing these people at the cataract surgery center have ever seen.
People are sharing real poetry on Twitter, and I’m all “What if roller skating monkeys delivered the mail?”
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
Looking at you, Jesus.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday