Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
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My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
[Earth, looking at her face in mirror after a date]
Oh, no! How long has that volcano been there?
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
If you are ever being attacked by a bear, be really mean to it. Just say some really messed up stuff about it. You’ll still die but that bear will be self-conscious from then on
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
Why aren’t we using these t-shirt cannons for burritos?
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
Some parenting days swing very quickly and extremely between “I’d die for my kid” and “I know why some animals eat their young”.
How dramatic are you?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
It still pisses me off that a meteorologist doesn’t know what’s inside every meteor…