An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
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Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
The way my reading glasses fog up as I drain the spaghetti water into a colander over the sink…is this passion? I feel like this is passion
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
i will be the first to admit when something is my fault, it really undercuts the other people blaming me for things
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy