INTERVIEWER: According to your resume, you like to “move it move it.”
ME: That’s correct.
I: It goes on like for… 30 pages.
M: And?
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I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
Me: I’m a programmer.
Person 1: “make my website pls”
Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”
Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”
Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”
Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Cashier: haha that’s a lotta candy, getting ready for Halloween early eh
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me:…
Cashier:…
Me: yep
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
the absolute shock I feel when someone brings up something I tweeted in person??? like no that was PRIVATE, it was between me and the entire internet
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
All food is good if you spell it wrong
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I took a DNA test and i’m actually 17% cheddar cheese now
Boss: “Do you know why I’ve called you into my office?”
Into My Office: “Because that’s my name?”
Boss: “Yes, that’s right.”
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket