50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
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Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
[Spelling bee, to clench victory]
“O,P… (hesitates) A,W,E,S,O,M,E.”
Judges?
(Opossum judges whispering for a bit)
Correct.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
My ex-gf has a new bf named Mike so I asked him if Mike is short for Micycle. now I have a black eye but it was totally worth it bc it turns out the guy RIDES A BIKE FOR FUN
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Where my American History knowledge comes from:
25% school
25% internet
50% Forrest Gump
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
AM I BEING GASLIT????
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
A guy gets hit on the head by a falling soda can. But he’s allright.
Guess he was lucky
*puts on sunglasses*
It was a soft drink
#FFFC
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
Sorry. Not sorry
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.