Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
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Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
teacher: your son was caught smoking pot
me: did he say where he got it?
teacher: yes, his best friend
me: [tearing up] he really said that?
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[wedding]
i wrote my own vows *removes paper*
“chickety china the chinese chicken”
whoops wrong one *2nd paper*
“if i had $1,000,000”
My 5yo just told me all about one of his favorite classes: cafeteria
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.