I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
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Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Lego man: Is it because I’m block?
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
moms in horror movies
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Crazy how holidays change as you get older. Like almost nobody wants to unwrap teeth for Christmas anymore
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario