There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
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i’m so old i’m almost back in style
Windows 10? Cool!
Only 85 more versions before we come back to Windows 95
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
A little advice… Simply set the microwave to 9 minutes instead of 90 seconds, and you too can ruin your lunch, just like me.
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
How software testing works
Me: I’d invite you in but my place is a mess
Friend: That’s OK. I don’t mind
M: The mess tho
F: Don’t be silly
M: I don’t want u in my house
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
Just had a goat’s cheese sandwich. Well, he should have put his name on it.
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Same pineapple, same
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*