Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
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How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Before twitter I would walk into a room and forget what I went in there for.
Now, I don’t even walk into the right room
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
The lights begin to flicker
The hair stands up on your neck
A chill comes over the roomMe to the ghost: STOP TOUCHING THE THERMOSTAT
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes