I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
when someone compliments me
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.
8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.
Well shit.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
If I had a dollar for anytime a man said he was in love with me I would definitely be homeless
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Thoughts while driving:
-Hope that light stays green.
-Hope it stays yellow.
-Hope no one saw me run that red light.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
Homosexuality was classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979 — Swedes protested by calling into work sick, saying they “felt gay.”