Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
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The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
My birth announcement for our third baby
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
At what ages do your kids who are 10 years apart stop fighting with each other? Because it’s not 19 & 9 😒
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Hollywood is done for – you might not believe me, but this is Al.
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard / their like, is this organic? do u hav a vegan option? can u make it with froyo insted
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.