*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
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Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
You know when you buy a bag of salad and it starts getting brown and has gross water in it…
Doughnuts never do that.
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
Easy enough.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa