I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
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“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
“we’re out of bread”
“ciabatta be kidding!”
[waiter takes out gun]
“make another bread pun and ur toast, pal… shit”
[i take out my gun]
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Brother: The holidays are coming up fast. Are you excited?
Me: Of course I’m excited. *prepays 25 therapy sessions*
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB